Life After Death

So this blog is going to be a bit on the serious side. I wasn't going to bring this up, but I feel like it will be helpful, not only for me, but for people I know who suffer in the same manner I do.  Dealing with the death of a loved one is tough.  We all grieve differently.  This last Monday marked 4 years since my father has passed away. My father and I were very close. It was/is hard for me to actually make myself realize that he is gone.  I coped.  First, with seclusion, then with drinking, and finally I pulled myself out of the funk I was in and focused on my health.  After all, my father died from his 2nd heart attack. I have to say I went through every part of the grieving process, if there is even a grieving protocol. I still go through guilt.  I feel like I should have known more, done more, been a better person, mostly not let him worry so much about me. I was diagnosed with heart disease at 26, I know he worried, we used to take our blood pressure together.  He had his first heart attack when I was 20. I still wish I could have done/helped/did something more, even as little as just called the day he died like my instinct kept pushing me to. I'm a dweller so learning how to come to terms with all of this pain and hurt was a huge process. Especially, since I never lost a loved one as close as my father before.

I have a few friends who are in the early stages of dealing with the death of a loved one, who aren't coping very well.  I wanted to share this with them, and you all, to let you know that there is life after death.  I also wanted to show sometimes writing helps.  Even if no one reads it. Write and throw it away, just get it out before it eats you alive.  After realizing I would like to be around for my loved ones as long as I can, I changed my lifestyle.  Eating healthier, making better well informed decisions, exercising, putting my efforts and time to helping others understand what they put into their bodies REALLY does matter.

I have seen that many of my family members, immediate and distant, have inherited this terrible illness, or related illnesses.  I know that I do not want to see them go.  So as I share this with you, I want you to take a look at your health. Think about your families and make the changes you need to survive.  I encourage you to bite the bullet and ask for help.  Health is a complicated thing and most people don't know as much as they think about nutrition.  I have seen this illness affect me and my family and it ain't pretty.  So what am I getting at with all of this rambling? Here is a bit from a blog I posted shortly after my father passed....

First I just want to say thank you for being such a great support system. It makes times like these easier. In case you have no clue what is going on, I didn't really tell many people about this because well I don't like to confront issues like these. Anyway, my Father of only 59 yrs passed away yesterday. My father and I were very close, and depending on how well you knew me, you knew I was a daddy's girl and that my father and I were very close. I need to get this outta my system so I'm just going to start from point a.
I was at work at around 4pm I get a phone call from "homenthawood", is what it says on my phone, and smiled because I was thinking it was my parents because I hadn't spoken to them that day, yet. Mind you I called my parents 2 plus times a day, just to hear their voices. Instead of a goofy call from my parents it was my mother panicking because she found my father hunched over and purple. I immediately asked if she called 911, she said my older brother did and my youngest brother was on his way home and Elizabeth my sister was out of town. So I immediately start bawling. My heart was broken. I called Jaime my supervisor and told her I'm going home because my father was dead. GOD its soo hard to say that or even believe it. During this time I just begin to feel sick and soooo hurt and terrible for living in Austin, thinking who's going to take care of my mother (mom is in a wheel chair right now) and WHY MY DAD...WHY??? WHY SOOO SOON...I was going to come home this weekend anyway. I didn't get to talk to him yesterday. Which really hurt. I even thought about calling but I put it off. I was panicking I couldn't breathe, I was gagging, I was hyperventilating, rolling on the ground, crouched over, I couldn't think I couldn't see anything. All I wanted to do was go home and be with my daddy.
Jessica stayed with me while I went through my breakdown. I didn't care who saw me or heard me. Well, until one of the kids parents came, I moved my reaction behind the school. My boss came and picked me up along with my co-worker Monique. Man they had it all together, I sure as hell didn't I would have driven home in my state, which probably wouldn't have been very safe especially in the rain.
They let me cry for awhile, well at that point it was beyond crying it was more a tantrum because I couldn't understand why MY dad why??? This whole thing was sooo unexpected. Monique and Jaime took me to my apartment and booked me a flight. Monique was incredible she really kept it together. I was hysterical and didnt care what I was saying I just let it all out. I made arrangements for my pup to be looked after, which I miss him so much. It was weird I was not in my shoes. I was just floating through actions....I had NO clue what I was doing, what I was packing, where I was going. All I knew is I needed to be home for my mom and to actually see my dad was gone. Mind you I am cryin hysterically this entire time. If it wasn't for them I would have never made it as quickly as I did. I get on the plane the tears did not stop. I havent stopped really cryin since yesterday. My body aches, but so does my heart.
Richard came and picked me up from the airport and drove me to the ER where my father was. I was soo nervous I was sick. I can't believe this is happening. Elliott, my younger brother, met me outside, and all I could do was fall in his arms and cry. All day I had been feeling faint, and well my appetite isnt so great right now either. He walks Richard and I into the ER near the room where my father was. I walk up see my family, see the bed, not my father yet, and run out the doors and cry so hard I fall to the ground. I have never experienced such heart break in my life.
I was soo nervous about seeing him in his condition. I stayed outside until I was ready to go back in. I walk in and collapse. I sat in a chair and just leaned over my dad hyperventilating and squeezing my dad and crying why my dad why my dad over and over again. I kept waiting for him to wake up. That time never came. The funeral home arrived and they were ready to pick him up and it was time to go home. But I didn't want to leave I fought it. I said NO I'M NOT READY TO GO. I stayed and hugged and kissed my dad until they pulled me out. I just turned and cried in Richard's arms. That seems all I have been capable of doing. My body aches, I'm sore. My chest aches because my heart is broken. So I get carried home and just lay across the couch, I can't sleep because I just want to cry. My mother didn't sleep at all. I really wanted to be and tried to be strong for my mother, but it was soo hard. My dad and I were soo close.
My sister was away on a vacation in Florida shes on her way home, they drove. All day today, I have been crying and trying to pull it together. I have been in charge of a few things like choosing music, pictures, psalms, and getting phone number of my dads friends. Its been a real struggle, it feels soo surreal. Its UNREAL. UNBELIEVABLE. NOT MY DAD. WHY MY DAD!!! I can't take this. I'm so nervous for the viewing and the funeral, I really hope I can pull myself together for my mother and my brothers and sister. I guess right now I just needed to share what I have been feeling and going through.
My heart has been broken for the first time in my life. This is the worst feeling anyone could have.
In case, you wanna know a little bit about my dad. He was witty sarcastic and easy going. He was a lot like me, or I should say I am a lot like him. I loved coming home and seeing my dad waiting in the driveway, or walking in the door and saying my nickname or "do I smell an Edie". I miss him already. Right now it just seems like he is out of town, even though I know better. I just keep waiting for him to walk around the corner or tell me I messed up another car. I want him back and I want him now. Everyone LOVED Mr. Konicki. I miss him telling my friends to not park their jap crap in our drive way or asking them if they took a taxi to the curb, if they parked too far from the curb.
I'm going to miss my father a great deal. I'm going to apologize in advance because this will take me a long time to get over so please bear with me as I go through this change. I thank you all for all the support.

Lets take a look.  It still hurts to read that.  It hurts because it makes me realize he isn't here to see the house we bought, to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  He isn't here to see my dogs and tease how he doesn't like animals, but then feed them and take them for morning walks. He isn't here to see my children. My father took too much on. He felt he HAD to take care of everyone, even when he knew he was ill. He was a very selfless person. As I was having a panic attack at the church and I was crying WHY???!!! to my sister, she said, he just couldn't do it anymore.  She was right. I still feel like I should have done more, taken better care of my father. 

After all of that I made it 4 yrs still wishing my father was here. Ya know, what? He IS still here! He is here in my dreams and he is here in presence. He is here while I'm working out, he is here when I just can't take it anymore and I persevere.  He is here telling me that I need to be with the people I love as long and as much as possible. Your loved ones will always be with you in spirit and in memory.  They are the ones help you cope. They are the ones SCREAMING AT YOU DON'T LET THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE BE THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!!  One funny thing that the passing of loved ones brings is people closer sharing the great memories they have experienced.  People don't let time get the best of you. Use it to your advantage. Make it stretch. It is your responsibility to be on this earth as long as you can. While you're here...make a few friends, enjoy the old ones, and make sure your family knows you care. Life can go on after death, but only if you let it.

I'm sorry to start your weekend like this. I thought it was important.  I hope you use this blog to have the best most purposeful weekend in your life!