Lost in Limbo

Ya know...people say if you give off positivity you will get it in return.  People say ask for help. As an adult these days I have found more and more of my friends at my age (30) still lost.  Where do I need to be? Where am I supposed to go? What is going to be my next move? I am not happy with what I am doing, where my life is, where its going. People say, well do something about it! So you do, and you still feel lost in limbo.  Is where I am better than where I was? How do I know what success is? Why is this person (seemingly) more successful than me?

I don't have the answers to these questions.  I have gone through and exhausted just about every resource I have.  Maybe I need to hurry up and purchase a web cam so I can get my youtube channel on??? In any case, I have learned and continue to learn the only person who is gonna pull me out of this funk is me.  Am I tired and mentally drained for putting efforts towards being a better person everyday, to get a better job everyday, and to feel worthy everyday? YES! YES! YES!  I am struggling right now to hit that passion I once had.  I am a creative person and am dying to use my creativity before it fizzles up, dries out and dies. It is true ya know, if ya don't use it ya lose it. 

SO what is success? Its so different for so many people.  My success will be to get back to the job that I had a passion for.  The job I didn't mind working weekends and late for. The job that I got to use my creativity for.  For others, its marriage and family, and other is just money.  I see soo many people who want what others have.  Well, the grass isn't always greener folks.  However, you need to push yourself.  If you want those things you work towards them.  Change what you do everyday.  I'm sure you have all heard the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  Well, I HATE that definition. DO you see that anywhere???

in·san·i·ty

   /ɪnˈsænɪti/ Show Spelled[in-san-i-tee] Show IPA

–noun, plural in·san·i·ties.

1.

the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Synonyms: dementia, lunacy, madness, craziness, mania, aberration.

2.

Law . such unsoundness of mind as frees one from legal responsibility, as for committing a crime, or as signals one's lack of legal capacity, as for entering into a contractual agreement.

3.

Psychiatry . (formerly) psychosis.

4.

a.

extreme foolishness; folly; senselessness; foolhardiness: Trying to drive through that traffic would be pure insanity.

b.

a foolish or senseless action, policy, statement, etc.: We've heard decades of insanities in our political discourse.

Sometimes, they key IS persistence. So yes do something over and over again until you get a result. Figure out what isn't working and fix and get the job.  I love this, because this have become a pep talk to myself.  See, earlier I could NOT stop crying at work.  I am literally in AWE of how wrong I feel like my job is.  Not wrong ethically, wrong for me.  It is beating me up and taking away what is me.  I need to be me, I need to be creative, I need to be able to use my personality, and I just can't do that where I am at now.  If you are feeling the same way I am, which, I know sooo many are. Let's make it happen.  I am sure you have as many talented, intelligent friends as I do.  Put your minds together.  Make moves! Get inspired! Hell, go home early like I did and cry until your head hurts and take a look back at your sorry pitiful ass and KICK IT! Get into high gear and make MOVES SON!!! As I attempt to work my way into one of the hardest industries to get into, I will get beat down, I will get rejected, and I will be ignored, but I will keep on trucking until I hit EVERY SINGLE goal small and BIG, until my passion is back. Thank GOD for supportive fiances! Alright, lets do this thang!

I am angry at life. RIIIIIGHT NOW.

I didn't ever want to use this thing to bitch, but here I am, needing to vent, needing to get rid of this anger before it consumes me.  I have to begin to say, I work everyday, my hardest, to make it an enjoyable day. I, like sooo many, hit soooo many bumps in the road.  I have always been the type to just go with the flow, go with my gut, but now, I feel like its all wrong.  I almost have to laugh at my life, because in any other form, my life would be a comedy.  A tragiv comedy.  A comedy about a young girl trying to fight her way back into a job she loves and has a passion for.  A girl trying to find her joy in work again. A girl who has a pile of shit poured on her smile CONSTANTLY, yet gets back up and smiles through the ca ca.

Among the past calamities of my car, my contacts, my phone and all the other silly little things that are taken away (or that deplete my bank account), that people constantly take for granted, there is so much more.  I recently lost something very precious to me, but still have hope I will find it.  My favorite is that I fell asleep with my contacts on, so I am stuck wearing my LOVELY glasses.

LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING...about my glasses.  Right now, I look like Sandra Bullock before her transformation in Miss Congeniality. Eh, I don't care. I actually think its quite funny, every time I look in the mirror I see a girl with some bunky, crooken ole glasses. Eh, whatever, at least I can kinda see right? I go to leave work today aaaaaaannnd my car won't start.  I think she hates me.  I think Bertha is saying, bitch I'm done.  I got 237,000 miles on me.  You dun rode me rugged and dead.  Eh, all she needs is a new battery. Don't worry Bertha, there is hope yet!  Yes, I did say two hundred thirty seven THOUSAND miles.  What you know about that? My girl, is American and she's a hoss, just like her momma! So this hoss is going to make another shit storm.  Yes, I will rise and smile through the ca ca.  Ya gotta laugh! Think about it, me and my crookend glasses attaching jumper cables to Bertha, my 1998 GMC Envoy.  The legend continues and so will I. Sure this sounds petty and no reason to get down, BUT HUNNY every now and then all the little things in life catch up to ya and you need to take a moment to embrace and erase.

Sooo...on that note. I feel a tad better.  Please don't leave any comments saying you hope things will get better or notes of pity. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm moving on fools! Pop lockin and moving on to the next day!!! WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Let's get racial...before I finish the laundry.

GOOOOOD MORNING IIINNNNTERRRNNETTTTT! Heh, get it Good morning, Vietnam?

I am going to try my best to keep my thoughts organized this is a HUGE deal for me.

This blog was sparked by an early morning conversation with a very good friend of mine.  She went on a date with someone who asked her if she ever dated "bi-racially". First, he's an idiot for not using the proper word for describing an "interracial" relationship.  There were soo many things wrong with what she told me he said. First, you should know her and I are both mixed. I am not going to tell our races because they don't matter.  The other reason is, and I am speaking generally, when you tell someone your race they automatically put you into a group or only identify you with ONE of the races you are mixed, and all of the stereotypes and generalizations that come with it. Most of the time if you are a minority mixed with Caucasian, people do not or will not allow you to identify yourself as white. Other times people won't allow you to identify yourself with the other race. When say I allow, yes you are allowed to do what ever you want, but the person will argue with you.  Why can't you identify yourself with both? You ARE both races, why can't you identify with both? Why do people have such a hard time grasping the fact people ARE American. America is a melting pot of sooo many different types of people.

"You know you're racist when..."
What is this..."Oh that's why you...*fill in trait here* because you're *fill in race here*".  People as much as you say you are not racist, you probably are.  If you find yourself telling a story then feeling it's necessary to share person's race, as if it makes a difference in the person's character in your story, you're racist. If you find yourself saying, "I'm not racist I have *fill in race or sexual orientation here* friends", you're racist/prejudice.  If you identify a certain race with stereotypes and other generalizations or you start a sentence with, "I"m not racist, but...". Guess what? You're racist.  If you see a person's color first, ya know, you're kinda racist.  Well, at least in my book.  I see it like this.  People are like The Breakfast Club. Granted, yes all the people in that movie are white, BUT the idea is still there.  The letter they write to the principal at the end spells out exactly how I feel about EVERYONE! It goes like this...

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did WAS wrong, but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is ... a brain ...and an athlete...and a basket case...a princess...and a criminal...Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.".

Yes this was a bunch of teenagers shoved together in a John Hughes movie, but the last 3 sentences are truth.  You see people how you want to see people! In every race there is a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess/prince, and a criminal. BOOM! There is no race that doesn't have any of those characteristics. Who gives a shit about statistics?  Yes, your parents, your surroundings helped mold your view points, but you grow up and move out. You mold yourself and your children. It is up to you to see past physical characteristics to see the person and character inside and to teach your children that.  It doesn't matter where you grew up, or where you've been. How are you treating and speaking about people today?

"What are you?" ~
Another one of my friends touched on this subject, she did made a very good point. Why do people need to know someone's ethnic background(s) so bad?  First, I think it is SOOOO rude when someone has just barely met you and they ask "what are you" "what's your background" etc.  Why does it matter so much? If I tell you and you don't like it, am I not worth your time anymore? In my opinion, solely MY opinion, I believe it does not matter.  REALLY and TRULY. I NEVER ask people what their ethnic background is, sure I'm curious, but please explain to me what race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation has to do with anything? No one ever has an answer for me except they're curious.  Save the curiosity, 9 times out of 10 people will tell you eventually.

My mother used to tell me people treated me different when I was little because I am brown.  I don't know if that was her paranoia or if it was truth.  I did grow up in a suburb.  As, I grew up I never realized my "color" because it was something that really didn't matter to me.  Then I went to college, in Austin, a place that I found is not as racially harmonious as people there would like to think it is.  I can't tell you HOW many times people asked what my ethnicity was there. Here in Houston, it's far and few between, maybe it's because Houston is a big melting pot of nationalities.  Anyway, while I was in college depending on what race people decided I was depended on how much shit they would talk about another race. Oh, but they weren't racist.  Gimme a break.  It was strange to go into a world where the first question was "what are you" or "you're not Mexican are you" (as if it was a bad thing).  I'll never forget the time a few guys thought my friend was a certain race (she wasn't even remotely close) and they were like, "yeah you can hang out with us 'cause your friend is *fill in race*". People, get past this.  Listen to yourself the next time you start to say, "oh yeah those *fill in ethnicity* do that all the time." Modify your reality.

You can apply sexual orientation to the above and you must. Life is not about tolerance, it is about acceptance.  I grew up around people and their racist opinions, even those who I love or are close to, don't realize how racist/prejudice they really are.  I managed to mold my own appreciation for people.  People should pay it forward, as in teach your children there is no color in love or relationships.  I will leave this blog with a song, of course, and a little story.

I heard someone telling a story about 2 children.  Both mixed.  They were playing NBA Jams.  The first child picked a one of the black players for his team.  The other child asked,"Why did you pick that guy?" The first child explains his skills.  The other child says,"No why did you pick him, he's black." This is a PRIME example of an adult influence over a small child.  People teach not only your children, but your friends, family, co-workers acceptance by being the best person and role model you can be.


I leave you with this song by En Vogue. Totally thought about this song while I was running and contemplating this race thing...

Free your mind!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaoSSVQz37A

by the way, En Vogue was tight...enjoy your OPEN MINDED weekend ;)

Is there one in EVERY office?

I know many have suffered from an inconsiderate, gossip prone, RUDE, loud music listening co worker. At my place of work we refer to him as the Troll Badger. Cleverly named by yours truly. I would think by 49 you would understand social graces and common courtesy, this is not so for this fine specimen.  I began work here last year in June.  I was warned, but the Troll Badger seemed nice enough.  He made an attempt to be friendly and speak to me. What I heard just could NOT be true.

WRONG!
Let's begin with his inappropriateness.  He asked me to feel his muscle, because he believes he is "pretty ripped for an old guy". I said no thank you.  He urged and urged for me to squeeze his pathetic bicep.  So I poked it with my index finger.  He says,"no squeeze it." I said, "No, thank you, I'm good." He continued to tell me how he works out with his trainer and how he got his ass kicked.  I humored him, because I really didn't see any harm in it, at the time, and suggested drinking protein right after workouts etc.  Why don't we ever listen to people who have probably experienced something terrible and are trying to give us a hint.  It's because we are human. 

Since he has seen me at the gym working my lil' patootie off, I guess he also thought he needed to comment on whatever I was eating whenever I was eating. ANNOYING! For instance, if I happened to sneak a little bite sized candy, ONE ONLY ONE.  I would hear, "you know how long you'll have to be on the treadmill to burn that off?". Seriously, Mr. Chunky Troll Badger telling someone else how to eat? People should mind their own bidness when it comes to food. No one wants your comments about what they are eating. Let a girl eat in peace!

Those are just a few examples.  What brings me to this subject today is.... ETIQUETTE in the work place. 
Not only does he listen to Katy Perry, Pink, Taylor Swift, and whatever else you will find on a NOW! cd at FULL BLAST. He plays his videos games loudly and most annoyingly I could hear him cuss people out and tell them to "blow him" or anything else involving his nuts. BLECK! Other people are making IMPORTANT phone calls. Hey here's an idea CLOSE YOUR DOOR.

I put up with this for a very long time before requesting to move desks.  I am quite content where I am now  However, he manages to spread his Troll Badger wealth around the office.  He comes and hovers in my work new area (he has no reason to be over here). He goes into my boss's office right when he gets there. I ain't skeered, because unlike him, I am working.  Most recently, he brings the "stank food" to work. Great, you're eating healthy.  There are ways to manage your food stank.  Try spraying lysol after you warm up or even COVERING your food in the microwave. No one wants to put their cold need to be warmed up lunch  in a cavern of exploded and burnt chicken and fish guts.  He leaves his food to rot in the fridge. People, if you forget its understandable, but for the LOVE OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY clean it out so that it does not cause a foul odor. Then put your container somewhere where only YOU will have to sit in your own stank. 

Last, but not least.  As Thumper once said to Bambi,"Momma always said if ya don't got nuthin' nice to say don't say nuthin' at all." Yes, Troll Badger ranted and raved about a young lady and her "piggishness." He sharing as loud as he could and also with the building across the highway. He thought this lady looked like a pig. She doesn't eat healthy nor take care of herself. This coming from someone licks his fingers up and down the hallways.  He said she's unhealthy. Well, Mr. Office Troll Badger, little did I know only eating lean cuisine's and muscle milk was a healthy diet, which miraculously gives you a nice sized gut to hang over your short little pants.  I can see he is the virtue of health, which is why he holds a striking resemblance Quasimodo with a badger face. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  As I type that, I realize I too am not saying anything nice nor am I keeping my stones to myself.  If he wasn't ever so deserving of such insult I might feel a bit bothered by my rant, but I don't, and well, HE IS THE PIG.

I could go on about the Office Troll Badger.  I am soo sorry if you have one in your office.  They are uncontrollable and unforgiving.  All you can do is pray for you to accept and tolerate this being and pray that one day he/she will see the err in his/her ways.  I have been thinking of writing a book of office etiquette in an attempt to educate your local office troll badger.  It is not okay to cough/sneeze without covering your mouth. It is not okay to begin a conversation with someone and when they reciprocate to tell them you don't care.  It is not okay to try and push your weight around the office because you think you're a bad ass, when really all anyone sees is a sorry little troll badger with no social skills.

AAAHHHH, ok.  work out of my system. Lets go workout!